D-Day

I kinda feel sad. So much time invested...wasted? But I know what must be done. D-Day is coming and I must prepare. My mind gets cloudy sometimes and then I feel overwhelmed with a strong feeling of urgency, but then do nothing. Stuck in a southern comfort of sorts, I take no action. Time is slipping, no... RUSHING by.

The countdown is on and I must prepare. I have no more time to waste.

Oh, Baby!

Well, I think it's finally hitting me. I've been holding it off for a long time now. No, correction - I haven't been holding it off. It just hasn't hit me... until now. I am feeling that urge. My clock is ticking... a little louder than before.

I want to have a baby.

I guess me watching baby shows and the like is not helping. Today, while trying to turn to CNN and get up to date with something I heard on a social networking site, I stumbled on A Baby Story: a show on TLC that chronicles a new mother's journey up until the day of delivery. The husband and wife were idyllic (handsome, loving, etc.) and they already had a 2yr. old daughter that was as cute as a button! They were awaiting and preparing the coming of their second child and I sat there and started wondering - "I wonder what my child will look like?", "I hope they're cute" and "I want twin girls". LOL.

I'm not really in a rush, but I would really like to find out what this next stage of womanhood feels like and how it would fit on me. I am confident that I would be a good mother... Sometimes I just want to say "forget it!" and just take the plunge, but I would really like to do it the way I've envisioned it in my head: as a wife.

*sigh* I don't feel empty, per se, but I want to feel more complete if that makes any sense. I really enjoy my independence and being able to generously "selfish", if you will, but I would not balk at having to share and sacrifice for someone else... A little someone else.

Eh, we'll see. I have a little bit more time. To be continued...

UGH!

My BF washed the dog with conditioner! Not shampoo, but conditioner! He said that he didn't know it was conditioner and that the bottle looked like shampoo. I asked him whether he noticed that there wasn't a lather of bubbles building up as he "washed" him and he said that he saw bubbles...

The dog's hair is now standing on end.

Conditioner, folks. OK, I'm done.

Birthday Boy...

Today is "his" birthday and I figured I would be really nice and cater to him. I went to Whole Foods on Friday and spent about a gazillion dollars on salmon, veggies and sushi. Oh, and I also bought a cake! Wooow. Came home and double tied the vittles in plastic bags so that they would remain a mystery until the big day. I ran to another grocery store and bought a dozen roses (he used to complain that he never gets flowers) and balloons. OK.

Last night, I officially kicked off the celebration (12:00 midnight) and sent him an "invite" to join me for a "private dining experience". When the time came, I lit candles, put on some jazz and served the sushi. Before serving I told him how very appreciated he was and how wonderful a person he was. Then we ate. He seemed grateful. Not overjoyed, but calmly grateful. OK.

While he was sleep during the night, I set the roses in a vase and propped the balloons behind them on the kitchen counter. He will not be expecting this. I'm feelin' myself now...

He wakes up, comes to my room and asks about the dogs then leaves. No mention of the bouquet or balloons. Hmmm.... OK.

Today, I really got my Martha Stewart on; I fixed salmon with mushroom caps filled with cheese and dried tomatoes with a fresh salad on the side. Oh, I also bought sparkling grape juice. He shook his head that he didn't want the juice and, instead, asked for water.

Long story short, he complimented the meal - said it was great - and asked whether there was anything else planned. I asked him what else he wanted to do. He sorta shrugged it off because the weather is bad, but he mentioned the amusement park. He appears grateful. OK.

I'm not looking for kudos per se, but I'm noticing that we're not really well matched as far as energy goes. I mean, he's ALWAYS pretty sulky around his birthdays for whatever reason which is def the opposite of me. He just seems so nonchalant. And that's fine - everybody's different - but I would like to share my life, the rest of it anyway, with someone who has the same zeal and zest for it that I have.

I'l serve the cake a little later. And I'm sure he will be very grateful and gratefully blow out the candles... And that's fine. Because I know that this was not for my glory or edification; this is/was his day. And I'm just glad that I removed my "self" and "wants" in order to selflessly give to someone else and do my best to make them happy. OK.

Been Away...

I've been away for awhile, I know. Just haven't really felt like writing...not in a funk or anything, just didn't feel like it.

But I'm back. :0) And, as you probably already know, I find men to be very interesting. Especially one in particular that I've written about before. My "crush". Well, I've cooled on him as of recent. Why? Because I felt like I was making more of an effort to stay in touch than he was. Really, would it kill you to email me once in a while? How about an IM once in a blue moon. I'm just sayin'...

Well, curiously enough, last week I sent him an email asking about his religious beliefs. I figured I would use this info to once and for all justify whether I should be thinking about him at all (I am very spiritual and wish to have someone who I can be equally yoked with. ON THIS I WILL NOT YIELD! He answered in a very neutral, non-judgmental, non-committal way. I really didn't know how to take it and this frustrated me even more because my plan had not worked; he seemed pliable, almost like he would be willing to match my spiritual sensibilities... UGH! So, I decided to make a clean mental break anyway. Need to move on... no more vacillating. Well, do you know that as soon as I made up my mind on this he SENT ME A FRIEND INVITE on a popular social board (I think I mentioned this before that we are both members). A little background: I knew he was on there because I checked, but I also knew that he knew I was on there, too. Call it woman's intuition. Call it whatever, BUT I KNEW!! And this was ultimately confirmed when I got his invite. He didn't ask me first whether I was on there, he just sent it to me. Ah-ha!

Did I accept? Yes, I did. But I haven't stalked him. No, seriously, I haven't. Oh, sure, I've seen his pics, even those with his "girlfriend". Oh, yes - did I tell you? He has one now. I don't care. Hmm... do you think that's why he wanted to be friends? To gloat? To sort of say, "Look at what you're missing out on"? I dunno. I don't know what there's to gloat about. She's average. Nice boobs and skin, but nothing to scream from the hilltops about. Just sayin'...

Oh, boy... when will men stop playin these female games? Anywho, I'll fill you in as more happens.

Heartbroken

My heart is very, very heavy right now. They say that death comes in threes. Well, of course, it comes in a higher multiple than that, but death that affects you... that's in some type of relation to you - even if it's just a celebrity - comes in threes. This week/weekend has certainly given this more credence.

Last week, an old childhood friend of mine updated her status on a social networking board I'm a member of and said that she was sad to hear about a passing of dear friend. I "commented" on her status and gave my condolences. Turns out that the dear friend was a mutual one; we both grew up on the same block and one of our neighborhood buddies had a son die after an asthma attack. This threw me for a loop and I told her to forward my prayers to her and her family.

I checked my email on Sunday and saw that an associate of mine had sent me a message. I opened it and saw that it had been sent to a whole slew of people. In her message, she apologized for the mass email and then stated that her husband had been tragically killed on Friday. More details to come later. That was it. I, again, was floored. The breath was taken out of me... I have never met the man, but have seen pictures of her, her husband and (at the time) two kids - boys. After hoping and praying for one, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last month to make the fam complete. And now he's gone? Just like that? How did he die? I cannot imagine her heartbreak...

And now today my sister calls me with suspicions that another good friend has passed... but she wasn't sure because of a cryptic message that a girl left on her social networking page. An hour or so later, my BF calls me and confirms the news; our friend had died from this past Friday. WHAT??!! This young lady had been fighting the awful effects of diabetes for awhile; she lost most of her sight and was on dialysis, but she was usually in good spirits and even adopted a little girl after losing her own through miscarriage. Her ex-husband, my sister says, had promised her his kidney. I have no idea what happened with this, but her health had started to decline so much so that she was forced to use a wheelchair. This made her more susceptible to blood clots which they tried to dilute which led to open heart surgery which led to an infection that she couldn't fight off and she passed. I am so beside myself... I hope she wasn't alone when she passed or in pain (I torture myself with thoughts like this).

Death has a way of putting life into perspective. I already have forgiven a lot of people of A LOT of crap and I already have a "live life while you're alive" attitude, but I feel unsettled. Death is encroaching on my living space. I know it's coming, and very well could have come for me this weekend, last week, last month... but it's still surreal, a pseudo reality until it rears up and settles in around you.

I am heartbroken.

Hey, Good Lookin'

Someone whistled at me today. I was unlocking my car door and there it was, loud and clear. I turned around and didn't see anyone except a guy way across the street at a gas station. Could he really see me from that far? I guess so. I wasn't wearing anything special... just jeans and a T-shirt. But I had just washed my hair so it was out, full and flowing.

Two days ago, in the grocery checkout line, I caught the bag boy taking the term literally. We locked eyes as I was pulling out my card to pay. There was no intent behind my casual gaze, but he locked with my eyes and didn't let go. It seemed like a good two minutes. It seemed so long that I felt compelled to speak. I just said "hello". He greeted me back, smiled and finally looked down at his task. I had to smile as well. He was cute - cute face, small, neat afro... but young. I was flattered, though.

I think I'm on a roll.

Recession Proof

What is wrong with me? Seriously, what? My girlfriend and I just got laid off today (along with seven others) and I am thrilled! Excited! Relieved... While the world is breaking down and falling apart financially, I am standing tall and rejoicing in my newly garnered freedom. While the local and national news bemoan the economy and sow seeds of hysteria, I am oddly at peace and excited about the future. I absolutely HATED my job and didn't want to waste another minute in it. And now I won't.

It's so funny how things work out. I had been praying a while for God to get me out of my "situation". I always prefaced my entreaties with thanksgiving and gratitude, but had grown increasingly tired of the monotony of the job and expressed that to Him. I wanted Him to take me to a place where I could be truly happy or at least provide with me the opportunity to get to that place. I no longer wanted to be "living for the weekend". I wanted every day to be like a weekend where I could spend time doing what I love and loving what I did. Otherwise, what's the point? I mean, really... Is that all there is to life? God said that He wants us to live life abundantly. That means in overflow!! Not just enough but more than enough!

So my girlfriend and I immediately gathered our things after being dismissed from our positions and went to Barnes and Noble to have coffee, honey. We laughed and joked and questioned out loud, "Are we crazy?" She had grown tired of the job, too, and wanted to be home to spend more time with her 10mos. old son.

At twelve o'clock, we met and had lunch with our other girlfriend who was shocked by our demeanor after being told what had transpired earlier. The three of us whooped it up and had the best lunch ever at the Cheesecake Factory!

So what's wrong with me? How can I rejoice after having been laid off during this terrible economic downturn? I am now officially unemployed, but how come I don't feel like a casualty?

I rejoice because I know who I am
I rejoice because I know who I serve
I rejoice because I know that all things work together for the good for them that love the Lord

I rejoice because I am no longer chained to a job...

What in the world is wrong with me? We're in a recession, for goodness sake!

Shake What Your Momma...

I have decided to go braless from now on. Unless I am going out and my outfit does not allow it, I will NOT wear a bra. I have decided this since I noticed that my wire bra has been leaving marks around the sides of my breasts. Not cool.

I felt like a renegade last night when I went out to the movies, hangin' and swangin'. Mind you, I did have a jacket on, so no one was really privy to my uncontained melons. And there's freedom in that alone. But there I was - unbridled, unholstered and uncaring. FREEDOM!!

I'm Just Not That Into You

(inhale)

He's boring, falls asleep ever so easily, can never hear what I'm sayin' the first time around, doesn't really listen when he can hear me, likes to stay in on the weekends, doesn't understand the appeal of restaurants, soft during the times he should be hard, is passive when he should be aggressive, whines like a little kid when he doesn't get what he wants, acts jealous when I'm out with friends, never admits that he's jealous when he obviously is, has a negative spin on just about everything, is lactose intolerant but is in total denial (oh, the horror!), consistently washes colors with whites "by accident" (the darker, the better), drives me absolutely nuts and loves me with all of his heart.

(exhale)

I'm just not that into him anymore.

Kinda Sick...

I feel kinda sick. Wait a minute... I shouldn't claim sickness over me. I'm NOT sick. But I will say that I don't feel 100%. It's just the sniffles, but also my one nostril is kinda stuffed and I find myself trying to cover the other nostril to regulate the amount of air I'm breathing since breathing too much oxygen through one nostril is very uncomfortable.

(sigh) I hate being not well. I do my best to avoid situations such as this. Whenever someone coughs around me, I either leave the area immediately or tuck my lips in and stop breathing until I think the coast is clear of their disgusting germs. My thought is that free falling germs that have been expelled either via sneeze or cough can land on your face, including your lips. And I lick my lips a lot, therefore, leaving me susceptible to such dangerous bacterium. I don't wanna ingest nor breathe these suckers in so I wait - breathless with no evidence of lips and wait. How long, you ask? It depends. If it was a nasty sneeze then I hold, tuck and quickly walk away. If it's a dry cough (as if something was in the assailant's throat) then I tuck and hold for maybe a minute or so. If it's quite obvious that the offender has some type of cold or worse, I tuck, hold for about a minute or two and then blow out of my mouth to try and counteract and force any left over germs that are still trying to find a home somewhere.

Hey, it works!! I haven't been sick in ages and in the meantime, I have built up quite a resistance to the common cold and other such ailments. And whenever I have gotten sick, it's usually just the sniffles. But I'm not sick. I'm not. I just gotta re-strategize and tighten up my defenses... Hmm, maybe hold then tuck for 3 minutes?

There Are No Coincidences

I think I'm gonna be sick. I can't tell you how uneasy I feel right now. All I know is that I can't explain any of this... and I don't believe in coincidences. Even at my best, I couldn't manipulate things to turn out this way.

I was on one of the social networking boards, just minding my business... OK, I was snooping around, looking at people's pictures. After a couple of clicks of profiles and pictures, I stumbled upon a friend of a friend who was friends with my crush. Well, they had pictures and in some of the pictures, there he was - preening for the camera. There was a link that connected to his own personal pics so, of course, I clicked it. Needless to say, he loves the camera; he had A LOT of photos. There were a group of photos with him chillin' outside, him with his arm around some chick and some of him in a club. The latter of these caught my eye. I looked and there was the sweater!!! He was wearing the very same sweater that I had picked out and bought my BF for Christmas!!! Same color, same everything!!! I couldn't believe it. Now, you may be thinking, "So what? That's why they mass produce... There are probably a lot of people that have the same sweater you bought your BF." But, no. This is just another "coincidence" (which I don't believe in) in a long line of unexplained occurences.

He has another friend on this social network board that I'm friends with and she has about 350 friends in total. Well, there's an app (application) that can take all of your friends profile photos and put them in a grid. She has it and when I clicked on it to see where I landed on the grid, guess who is right underneath me? YES, him! His pic is DIRECTLY below mine. A coincidence? Out of 300 and some odd people and we're right next to each other? No, I don't think so. Oh, and by the way, the grid is totally random. It does not go by alphabetical order or age or anything else. Besides, my initials are on the opposite end of the alphabet from his.

There are other things, but I'll elaborate later. What does this all mean? I dare not answer. But all of this DOES mean something. Man, I feel like Al Pacino right now: everytime I try to get out, I get pulled back in!!! I'm not trying to obssess over him, but everytime I try to go on without thinking about him, something somewhere reminds me of him... connects me to him.

I need to come up with a name for him...

Crush Groove

I can't stop thinking about him. I've tried to, but I just can't seem to do it. It's been a very long time since I've been in this type of predicament. For a stretch of time, I was very successful - at not thinking about him, that is. I would go weeks, months without one intrusive notion of him. But then I turn on the TV and happen to stumble upon a news station with a reporter that closely resembles him. And the flood gates open again. I was doing so well, but instantly my mind shifts backwards and starts to wander... what's he doing at this very moment? Could he possibly be thinking about me, too? On paper, the attraction really doesn't make sense. But I'll explain that later...

He has no idea that I feel this way about him... at least I don't think he does. And I don't plan on telling him. Not yet. Man - I love the sound of his voice, the way he makes me laugh (which is just about all the time) and I love the way I feel when I'm around him. I feel giddy, like I can't get my words together.

It wouldn't be so bad if only I weren't involved with someone else. Yes, I technically have a BF right now. We've been together for years now, but I'm not really feeling the relationship anymore. But I'll explain that later as well...

I just had to get this off my proverbial chest. Because I really can't tell anyone else the particulars, I have to jot down my thoughts and feelings about this man. He really has no idea how he occupies my head space constantly. I don't think he would be able to handle that information, that power right now. So for now I'll be quiet. Crazy thing - both he and my BF have the same hands; the same half-moon fingernails and same shaped fingers...