Home Sweet Home 2

Last night, my sister and I (and my niece) went over to my sis' friend's house to watch the fireworks from his balcony.  We came in and immediately went outside where a few had already gathered for the festivities.  As I peered out at the skyline, the women started chatting about something, but that's not what caught my attention.  The infamous Philly accent is what piqued me.  I had no idea that there was one until someone NOT from Philly told me I had it.  But I don't.  Not compared to these women.  Now I'm not knocking anyone, but they had a twang and a pop in their delivery that was a cross between Jersey and NY, but clearly not (Jersey tends to be more nasal making the words sound thinner, if you will.  NY is fuller, almost like the words are too heavy to pronounce, typically with a higher inflection at the end of their sentences like they're asking a question even when they're not - MY OPINION).

But this accent turned me off.  And they were talking about NOTHING!  Granted, that's their right.  And who am I to judge the validity of other people's convos?  Nobody.  But it just annoyed me so I quickly tuned them out and started to sink inside myself.  I focused in on the bright lights and the faint BOOM! POWS! in the far distance.  I looked over the iron railing that I was confidently leaning against and wondered what car I would land on if I were to fall or if the railing were to give way... I probably would have just slammed onto the concrete in the parking lot.  My mind was taking me away and I was drifting.  I wanted to be stimulated, but I wasn't... so I left.

When the show was over, I text my sis (who disappeared soon after arrival) and let her know I was ready to go.  She was already in the car.  Later, she explained that she just didn't feel like being around anyone that night.  No matter.  I grabbed my niece and joined her in the parking lot for departure.

I'mma make some phone calls tomorrow and see if I can hook up with some of my contemporaries.  You know, old school mates and such.  Gotta feel my way back in.

Tomorrow is supposed to be 101 degrees.  Sounds like hell to me.

Home Sweet Home?

Well, I'm here.  After exactly twelve hours of driving, with a few stops in between for my rambunctious travel companion Brooklyn (my dog), I finally made it home.  Home?  Well, the city/state where I was born.  I had mixed feelings about the trip all along.  I haven't been "home" in a while and for good reason.  It's a cool place - love the cheesesteaks and Italian water ice... always love seeing Boathouse Row, especially at night when it's all lit up.  The City of Brotherly Love is really a place of beauty in the summertime.  Sometimes I do miss it.

But most times I don't.  Whenever I come "home" I feel out of it.  I dunno.  It's almost like I'm having an out-of-body experience: I'm here, but I'm not here, you know?  It doesn't feel totally real, totally authentic to my senses.  How can I describe it a little better...  Umm... like I'm sleepwalking?

And I always feel like a visitor!  I forget how to get to this place and that place, totally forget the name of other places... what part of the city they're in.  Man, so many things about the city have become foreign to me.  (Should I note that as a sign of something?)

I'm going to try and enjoy my summer here for as long as I am here because it's just temporary.  I don't think I could actually move back and settle here ("settle" being the operative word).   I would feel like I was working backwards.

Yes, you can go home sometimes, but just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Adventures "To the Beach"

Two weeks ago, I was on a mission.  And when I set my mind to something, I put all my energy into seeing it through and getting it.

I have recently been getting more and more into makeup.  My usual staples have been lipstick and eyeliner, but I've become more adventurous as of late and have been purchasing, and mastering the application of, eyeshadows and paying more attention to blushes and foundations.  I'm really enjoying the whole idea of makeup...  It's funny, years ago I couldn't understand why women were spending sooo much money on this stuff, but now I get it.  Besides wanting to look "better", it's fun.  The colors, the brands, the shopping for it, the trying it on...  I can see where it could become addictive.

Well, MAC recently came out with a new collection of makeup called To the Beach.  I heard about it online and didn't think much of it until I saw the Marine Life powder.  Oh, how gorgeous!  I had to have it; I have never seen anything like it.  Went online to their site... Oh, no!  It's sold out already?!  I must HAVE THIS!

Let me tell you - the next day I got to the mall right when it opened and saw that the MAC kiosk hadn't opened yet so I went to Macy's MAC counter.  No one was there.  Well, after about 5mins or so, "Tony" walked in and positioned himself behind the counter.  He was so nice.  He asked me what I wanted and I told him the Marine Life and he looked confused.  I was thinking, "Uh-oh."  Well, the display hadn't been set up yet so he apologized and quickly put out all the items.  I couldn't stop staring at it!!  Even a makeup consultant from a different counter came by and admired the powder.

I GOT THE MARINE LIFE!!!  (A stunning blush of coral and pink with a gold overspray and a seahorse embossed in the middle.)  Even as I was paying for it, "Tony" was starting to get calls from people asking whether it was in stock.

As I was about to leave the mall, I stopped by the kiosk and "Gwendolyn" helped me.  I tried on Thrills lipstick at Macy's but it really didn't "thrill" me.  It was prolly the lighting b/c I decided to sample it again and I liked it.

I GOT THRILLS, TOO!!!  (A beautiful shade of coral with a gold frost.)

I felt like a little kid, big smile, arms a swinging with my black MAC bags in tow.

I was so happy!  I told "Tony" that I was just going to stare at the powder for a few weeks, not even touch it, b/c I didn't wanna mess up the design.  We both laughed.

Ok, enough blabbing already.  Mission accomplished.  One down, many more to go.  

Up In Smoke...

Well, tonight has been another "first" for me.  Yes, after years of being drug-free I have finally taken a puff.  Of what, you ask?  Of that "stuff".  Yes, mary-joo-wanna.  I didn't really want to, but I did after much cajoling.  Curiosity?  I guess so.  I had smoked a cigar for the first time ever last year and I must say that I liked it.  Not enough to take up the habit, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Tonight's vice had a strawberry-ish smell to it.  I think it did.  It def didn't smell like the skunky stuff I had smelled before on others.  It tasted OK.  (Do smokers talk about the taste?)  I dunno anything about this stuff, but I can say that I can now cross this off the list of things I have never done in my life.  And I really don't find it appealing at all.  So you puff and then what?  I guess I thought I was going to feel like I was floating on air, or maybe have a sudden rush of creativity and start finger painting portraits out of toothpaste or something since it's supposed to open your third eye and such... OR maybe burst into an unending, pseudo-intellectual, too deep to understand babble on existentialism... and the real truth behind aliens.

I dunno.  I was unimpressed and left in an unaltered state.   Didn't have the infamous munchies, either.  And this was supposed to be a "good batch".  Hmm... maybe my mind is just too strong for the stuff.  LOL  Whatever.

It's Finally OVA... The Saga Does NOT Continue!

Ok, so we all know here that my relationship has been over for a while now. At least in my heart and my mind... Well, found out recently that he has been cheating on me! Yes, you can now add this to the list of crap that I have had to endure with this dude. I text one of my girlfriends when I found out, but have yet to call her and fill her in on the details. Not trying to torture her, but just didn't feel like talking about it. Not depressed or sad, it's just that the whole thing is soooooo stupid. I'm surprised I'm even blogging this... but... I dunno. She's probably reading this (Hey, friend! LOL). Hmm, I guess I'm killing two birds with one rock then.

Anywho, we were already broken up really. So you ask why it would bother me if I didn't want to be with him anymore and we weren't together anyway? Because at the time he cheated we WERE together and it just shocked me that all this time he was lying about where he was and who he was with. He was with this chick several times, therefore, this took planning... conversations... collusion. He used to work with this chick. He knew better! Of course he did. He tiptoed behind my back and all the while acted like everything was cool. And I only found out because he was having a mental breakdown (his annual near-birthday ritual) blabbering on about how he isn't a good person and his life isn't this and that and blah, blah, blah. I fell into my usual role of comforter and said, "Yes, you are a good person." He immediately shook his head and said, "No, I'm not." Ok, this gave me pause. My female Spidey sense kicked in and I asked him what he meant. He blabbered on about something and then I just asked him. I asked him whether he had EVER cheated on me. Well, you would have thought and I had pressed an invisible pause button on his back because he didn't move or say a word for what seemed like FOREVER. Now I got louder: HAVEYOUEVERCHEATEDONME?! I promise you he still didn't move. I just couldn't believe it. So then I started asking WHO and WHEN and HOW MANY TIMES?!! You know, the usual "i-just-found-out-my-man-cheated-so-now-i-need-all-the-details" questions. Well, technically I wasn't his GF, but you know what I mean. He obliged me grudgingly, giving me sparse details, but I pushed and pushed. Finally, I just twisted my face up and shook my head. I calmly let him know what I thought of him: that he was common. And that there was nothing special about him. Aaaand I said a couple of other cute things, too.

I am moving back up north in a few weeks. I have been busy trying to square away plans and tie up loose ends before leaving. I'm excited to finally get out of this gilded cage I've been trapped in.

I know I should list some more details, but I guess I'm just not angry enough to continue this entry. I mean, I am still disgusted at the total disregard for my feelings, the lies, the deceit, the fact that I had to pull it out of him instead of being told outright... but then again he's common. In other words, he just did what naturally comes to a lot of people. Selfish people. Selfish men.

He's been apologizing profusely ever since that night. I told him that I've already forgiven him (and forgotten him). He says he sees us married. Oh, really? To each other? Hmm... I don't.

Ok, I'm ending this. He's not worth another lette...

D-Day

I kinda feel sad. So much time invested...wasted? But I know what must be done. D-Day is coming and I must prepare. My mind gets cloudy sometimes and then I feel overwhelmed with a strong feeling of urgency, but then do nothing. Stuck in a southern comfort of sorts, I take no action. Time is slipping, no... RUSHING by.

The countdown is on and I must prepare. I have no more time to waste.

Oh, Baby!

Well, I think it's finally hitting me. I've been holding it off for a long time now. No, correction - I haven't been holding it off. It just hasn't hit me... until now. I am feeling that urge. My clock is ticking... a little louder than before.

I want to have a baby.

I guess me watching baby shows and the like is not helping. Today, while trying to turn to CNN and get up to date with something I heard on a social networking site, I stumbled on A Baby Story: a show on TLC that chronicles a new mother's journey up until the day of delivery. The husband and wife were idyllic (handsome, loving, etc.) and they already had a 2yr. old daughter that was as cute as a button! They were awaiting and preparing the coming of their second child and I sat there and started wondering - "I wonder what my child will look like?", "I hope they're cute" and "I want twin girls". LOL.

I'm not really in a rush, but I would really like to find out what this next stage of womanhood feels like and how it would fit on me. I am confident that I would be a good mother... Sometimes I just want to say "forget it!" and just take the plunge, but I would really like to do it the way I've envisioned it in my head: as a wife.

*sigh* I don't feel empty, per se, but I want to feel more complete if that makes any sense. I really enjoy my independence and being able to generously "selfish", if you will, but I would not balk at having to share and sacrifice for someone else... A little someone else.

Eh, we'll see. I have a little bit more time. To be continued...