And So It Begins...

You know, they say that you'll know who your real friends are when you go through something; real friends will be the last ones standing and support you through it all.  But I would also go so far as to say that you'll know who your real girl friends are once you've become engaged... and they're not.

I had a call out of the blue from the ex-friend I mentioned in a previous post.  I had originally decided not to answer any calls from her from here on out, but had failed to recognize her phone number and answered accidentally.  She had seen my updated status on a social network and wished me congrats.  Hmm...  She hurriedly asked how, when it happened.  I didn't have enough daytime minutes to explain it all so I told her I would call her later that night.  And I did.  She didn't pick up.  I left a message.  She hasn't called back. 

Now this other so called "friend" has known about my history with my now fiance (fiance?  wow...) so she seemed happy when I text to her "Wanna be in a wedding?"  She immediately called me back and we started hee-heeing and ha-ha-ing about the proposal and upcoming wedding which I told her would be in October of next year.  Well, maybe a day after I told her she called me and told me that she and her BF were gonna get married and would I be upset about them thinking of October, too.  Huh?  Before I could utter a word, she pretty much answered the question herself by saying she would try and move it to another month because she didn't wanna step on my toes.  I asked whether she was engaged and she said not officially (WTHeck) but they were talking about it.  OK...  Next day, she sends me pics of an engagement ring they saw and she wanted.  I asked when he was gonna get it for her.  She said that SHE was gonna buy the rings.  HUH?  Soon after, she sent a pic of the dress she wanted and was gonna have a woman she found on eBay that lives in CHINA to make it for her!  Then she sent me prices and pics of a venue she wants me to check out with her when I come back to town.  All the while, I obliged her and gave compliments because I figured this had nothing to do with me and everything with her just being excited about her own prospects - imaginary or not.  But then she sent a text about them having a destination wedding in Jamaica.  When I asked when, she said OCTOBER!  What happened to not stepping on anyone's toes?  Heck, what happened to just being someone's true friend and not even considering the same month?  

(sigh) And so it begins...  As my wedding list gets shorter, I realize that life changing events, both good and bad, can reveal who is really "ride or die". 

Rules of Engagement

Where should I begin?  Hmm...  Well, I keep looking down at my hand and wondering how it all happened really.  And it's taken me a full week to fully absorb it all and now I think I'm ready to spill the beans.  It's funny how all this happened after my last entry where I stated that I was no longer going to chase "butterflies".

Yeah, well, remember when I told you about the boyfriend - I mean, ex-BF?  How he cheated and we finally broke up?  Well, we broke and I left for Philly.  And he lost his mind...  No, I mean it.  He literally called me every day when I left.  OK, cool.  Expected that (kinda).  No biggie.  But then came the crying and the pleading.  And then the visit.  Yes, he visited me and took me out and bought me things... He promised change in his attitude, demeanor and his over all self and the way he interacted with me.  I shrugged it off, but - crazy enough - he started to deliver.  He started going to church religiously and sent me a barrage of love notes via emails and phone calls. 

And when I arrived in Atlanta for a visit during my birthday week, he really lathered it on.  Not only did he greet me with a dozen pink roses, but he was about 70lbs lighter and looked like the day we first met (sans the shoulder-length dreds)!  Okay, he's really working it.  And then MORE gifts came: two treats from Tiffany's, a pair of silver hoop earrings and finally... with one hand holding a video camera and the other one shakily revealing the final gift stuffed into his jeans pocket... unsteadily he knelt down on one knee and presented a diamond ring.  Yes, he finally put his money where his mouth was.  And I was speechless.

So how do I feel?  How did I feel?   Well, my emotions ran the gamut from fear to disappointment to excitement to gut wrenching nausea.

I have no idea what I'm doing.  Not a clue.  But I said 'yes'.  Yes to rolling the dice and throwing out my Hollywood induced, preconceived notions of what romance is and what a "knight in shining armor" should look, feel, sound like and ride in on.  I'm scared, but happy.  Excited, even.  I'm ready to take a chance on the future...

The Butterfly Effect

I've been doing some thinking... Well, a little more than some.  And I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I will never be able to recapture that "in love" feeling that I've had only once before.  Now don't read me wrong - this is not a "woe is me" moment.  I simply realized that I've been in love once and that it may never happen again.

For the longest time I've been searching for that feeling, those butterflies that I felt when I was with who I thought was "the one".  I miss being in love.  It's such a high.   But that euphoria may not happen again with anyone else.  Why?  Am I being too picky?  Honestly, no.  I'm pretty un-picky compared to most.  Am I open to love?  Absolutely.  And very ready.  I've known only one other person in my life that has been "in love" with just about every person they've been in a relationship with.  (And it was a guy!)  But most are just not that easy, including me.  I'm more discerning.  More deliberate with mine.

And so I choose not to continue to chase this butterfly effect that has eluded me thus far.  Am I settling?  Compromising?  Maybe the former...  But what's the alternative?  Spending the next ten years fiending for my next hit of love's euphoria - the most expensive and time consuming drug on the planet?  I think not.  What if it never comes?  Man, it's time for me to exhale already.

Computer Love

(sigh) Ok, how come I keep hesitating on this?  I've gone to two of the major sites, but have yet to sign up.  I don't know why exactly.  I mean, I am a single woman now and time is of the essence.  So many have been successful in finding a BF, let alone HUSBAND, on the internet... so why can't I finally take the plunge?

I don't think it's the money, even though I would hate to sign up for a site and meet nothing but losers.  Or jerks.  Or ego maniacs.

I think part of it is that you really have to put yourself OUT there, you know?  Your pic, your likes/dislikes, city/state and other personal stats.  I guess I shouldn't be so guarded.  Also, since I am pursuing the whole "creative arts" thang, I secretly feel that I have nothing to really offer anyone right now.  What am I coming to the table with other than great conversation, a lust for sports and a readily available sympathetic ear?

Well, I have to do something because I surely haven't met anyone OFFLINE (no one of even slight interest to me) yet.

Ok, I'm just gonna do it.  Soon.

I think...

Forever Young...

I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while helping my niece try on some clothes and I must say that I was disheartened by what I saw.  I recognized my main features, but, at the same time, didn't really recognize myself.  I always see myself (and think of myself) as young, vibrant, forever frozen in time.  But the image reflected back reminded me that we are all getting older.

I should tell you that I am in my thirties, I am in pretty good shape and I really do have a great attitude towards life: I do not take it so seriously that I cannot laugh at myself when deemed appropriate.  But let's face it - NO ONE wants to age.  I looked at myself once then tried to avoid my visage for the rest of the time in the cramped dressing room.

Why does my face look like that?  I don't remember that being there...  Did that always droop like that?

Then I mentally slapped myself.  'You really need to get over yourself,'  I scolded.

Prayerfully, I will continue to get older (look at the alternative!)... but gracefully.  And if I really claim to love myself the way that I do, I have to love myself unconditionally.  Changes are sure to come... more changes, that is.  But I have to be alright with myself no matter what.

Besides, I think I'll always see myself as the young girl I think I am.  I believe I can still "pass".  I'm still the youngin' who still dreams with fervor, only now I have the maturity to realize the tools needed in order to successfully attain them.

It's written all over my face.

Straight, No Chaser

I just had a wonderfully insightful - albeit short - conversation with a good friend of mine.  He so aptly put things in perspective for me that we didn't need to have a long, drawn out discussion.  Men are so pragmatic.  One of the reasons why I love them...

I was puzzled by the actions of another friend of mine, a female, and ran the scenario down to him.  The whole thing in a nutshell is that an old friend, with whom I've recently reconnected after she unceremoniously "dumped" me as a friend while in high school, has suddenly stopped returning my calls.  I gave him the run down of how she was upset that I had been back in Philly for two weeks, but hadn't called her right away because I was taking care of some things.  OK, we still got together later at her new house and everything seemed fine.  She gave me a tour and I complimented her accomplishments.  She expressed her disappointment in me not going to the HS reunion (I never told her I was def going, but she doesn't remember it that way).  We talked more.  She took a phone call.  I thought it rude of her to do so, but whatever.  She went upstairs, leaving me by myself in the kitchen, and returned when she was done.  I left soon after and we promised she would call after the reunion (if she went).  No call.  I called her and left a VM.  No call back.  I called again the next day about something entirely different.  Still no call back.  It's now been a week and a half.

My male friend listened patiently and without hesitation said, "You guys were never friends."  He proceeded to explain that if she felt comfortable taking a call while leaving you alone and if you felt uncomfortable sitting by yourself in her house (thinking it was rude) then you guys aren't friends and were never really friends because friends don't go through stuff like that.  His one caveat - this was obviously a male perspective.  But I thought it was valid and on point, nonetheless. 

So simply put.  So direct and plain.  And I totally got it.  I get it.  I got a little teary eyed as I explained to him that I feel that I am too forgiving.  He listened and assured me that I was fine.

Every woman needs a good male friend.  For the most part, they are straight shooters and don't get tied up in the rigmarole or drama.  It is what it is with them.  And that's all.

HSH 3 - Things Fall Apart

OK.  Umm... two days ago, I went to turn on my laptop and the LED light came on, the infamous Apple chime sounded and then.... nothing.  My screen remained blank.  Black.  I restarted it.  The same thing happened.  Rebooted, restarted, turned it on/off, took the battery out, reset the PRAM... still nothing.  Called Apple.  *sigh*  Gotta take it to the store.

The nearest store is located at the King of Prussia mall.  For all my Atlantians, it's akin to the Lennox mall only there's more prep and less hip-hop.  Now that I think of it, it's a little bigger than Lennox with the more laid back feel of Phipps.  Anywho, that's where I had to go and, like I said earlier, I don't know my way around anymore.  But my sis helped me out (plus my GPS on my phone) so I was cool.

I get there and anyone who's ever been to an Apple store knows that it is the hang out spot for the "in the knows" and the clueless alike.  It's ALWAYS crowded in there!  Why?  I dunno.  I mean, how many times can you play iPhone Monkey Ball or plunk around on the iPad without realizing it's all the same.  Cool, yes, but they're all just computers.  Buy one or go home already!  But I digress...

After an associate performs some tests, he says that the logic board is done.  What?!  My heart... "Should I cry?" I ask him.  "No, it's a known problem with the NVIDIA graphics card so we're gonna fix it for free," he says.  OK, good.  "It'll be ready in about 2-3 days."  UGH!!  My computer is my lifeline!  But hey, it could be worse.  I could be PAYING for the repairs.

I get a call the next morning: it's ready!  OK.  I throw on some clothes, a baseball cap and head out the door.  I worm my way through the "knows" and the clueless, yuck it up a little with the associate while he turns on my laptop (at my request) to make sure it comes on then head out the door.  I get home and guess what?  Oh, it comes on.  But the fan is now whirling and buzzing non-stop at a high speed.  I restart.  I "safe" restart.  Same daggon thing.  I call Apple Care.  "Uhhh, you gotta take it back to the store."  (INSERT SCREAM HERE.)

For trip # 3, I decided to get there when the mall opened.  That way I could sorta avoid the ubiquitous horde of Apple stalkers and get out of there quickly.  Yes!  The store is empty sans two other guys seemingly of like mind... The tech that helped me was really nice and patient and, after troubleshooting, decided it was a sensor.  Long story short, he refastened the loose sensor, thus voiding the need for it be to "repaired" again.  I turn to leave and it's like voodoo: the store is teeming with its morning round of wild-eyed stalkers ready to get their tech fix.  I'm leaving just in time...

Get home, turn on my computer... the LED light comes on, the Apple chime sounds, my screen turns from black to gray to my desktop... and no whirring fan.  All is right again.   At least with my computer it is.

What am I doing?

Home Sweet Home 2

Last night, my sister and I (and my niece) went over to my sis' friend's house to watch the fireworks from his balcony.  We came in and immediately went outside where a few had already gathered for the festivities.  As I peered out at the skyline, the women started chatting about something, but that's not what caught my attention.  The infamous Philly accent is what piqued me.  I had no idea that there was one until someone NOT from Philly told me I had it.  But I don't.  Not compared to these women.  Now I'm not knocking anyone, but they had a twang and a pop in their delivery that was a cross between Jersey and NY, but clearly not (Jersey tends to be more nasal making the words sound thinner, if you will.  NY is fuller, almost like the words are too heavy to pronounce, typically with a higher inflection at the end of their sentences like they're asking a question even when they're not - MY OPINION).

But this accent turned me off.  And they were talking about NOTHING!  Granted, that's their right.  And who am I to judge the validity of other people's convos?  Nobody.  But it just annoyed me so I quickly tuned them out and started to sink inside myself.  I focused in on the bright lights and the faint BOOM! POWS! in the far distance.  I looked over the iron railing that I was confidently leaning against and wondered what car I would land on if I were to fall or if the railing were to give way... I probably would have just slammed onto the concrete in the parking lot.  My mind was taking me away and I was drifting.  I wanted to be stimulated, but I wasn't... so I left.

When the show was over, I text my sis (who disappeared soon after arrival) and let her know I was ready to go.  She was already in the car.  Later, she explained that she just didn't feel like being around anyone that night.  No matter.  I grabbed my niece and joined her in the parking lot for departure.

I'mma make some phone calls tomorrow and see if I can hook up with some of my contemporaries.  You know, old school mates and such.  Gotta feel my way back in.

Tomorrow is supposed to be 101 degrees.  Sounds like hell to me.

Home Sweet Home?

Well, I'm here.  After exactly twelve hours of driving, with a few stops in between for my rambunctious travel companion Brooklyn (my dog), I finally made it home.  Home?  Well, the city/state where I was born.  I had mixed feelings about the trip all along.  I haven't been "home" in a while and for good reason.  It's a cool place - love the cheesesteaks and Italian water ice... always love seeing Boathouse Row, especially at night when it's all lit up.  The City of Brotherly Love is really a place of beauty in the summertime.  Sometimes I do miss it.

But most times I don't.  Whenever I come "home" I feel out of it.  I dunno.  It's almost like I'm having an out-of-body experience: I'm here, but I'm not here, you know?  It doesn't feel totally real, totally authentic to my senses.  How can I describe it a little better...  Umm... like I'm sleepwalking?

And I always feel like a visitor!  I forget how to get to this place and that place, totally forget the name of other places... what part of the city they're in.  Man, so many things about the city have become foreign to me.  (Should I note that as a sign of something?)

I'm going to try and enjoy my summer here for as long as I am here because it's just temporary.  I don't think I could actually move back and settle here ("settle" being the operative word).   I would feel like I was working backwards.

Yes, you can go home sometimes, but just because you can doesn't mean you should.

Adventures "To the Beach"

Two weeks ago, I was on a mission.  And when I set my mind to something, I put all my energy into seeing it through and getting it.

I have recently been getting more and more into makeup.  My usual staples have been lipstick and eyeliner, but I've become more adventurous as of late and have been purchasing, and mastering the application of, eyeshadows and paying more attention to blushes and foundations.  I'm really enjoying the whole idea of makeup...  It's funny, years ago I couldn't understand why women were spending sooo much money on this stuff, but now I get it.  Besides wanting to look "better", it's fun.  The colors, the brands, the shopping for it, the trying it on...  I can see where it could become addictive.

Well, MAC recently came out with a new collection of makeup called To the Beach.  I heard about it online and didn't think much of it until I saw the Marine Life powder.  Oh, how gorgeous!  I had to have it; I have never seen anything like it.  Went online to their site... Oh, no!  It's sold out already?!  I must HAVE THIS!

Let me tell you - the next day I got to the mall right when it opened and saw that the MAC kiosk hadn't opened yet so I went to Macy's MAC counter.  No one was there.  Well, after about 5mins or so, "Tony" walked in and positioned himself behind the counter.  He was so nice.  He asked me what I wanted and I told him the Marine Life and he looked confused.  I was thinking, "Uh-oh."  Well, the display hadn't been set up yet so he apologized and quickly put out all the items.  I couldn't stop staring at it!!  Even a makeup consultant from a different counter came by and admired the powder.

I GOT THE MARINE LIFE!!!  (A stunning blush of coral and pink with a gold overspray and a seahorse embossed in the middle.)  Even as I was paying for it, "Tony" was starting to get calls from people asking whether it was in stock.

As I was about to leave the mall, I stopped by the kiosk and "Gwendolyn" helped me.  I tried on Thrills lipstick at Macy's but it really didn't "thrill" me.  It was prolly the lighting b/c I decided to sample it again and I liked it.

I GOT THRILLS, TOO!!!  (A beautiful shade of coral with a gold frost.)

I felt like a little kid, big smile, arms a swinging with my black MAC bags in tow.

I was so happy!  I told "Tony" that I was just going to stare at the powder for a few weeks, not even touch it, b/c I didn't wanna mess up the design.  We both laughed.

Ok, enough blabbing already.  Mission accomplished.  One down, many more to go.  

Up In Smoke...

Well, tonight has been another "first" for me.  Yes, after years of being drug-free I have finally taken a puff.  Of what, you ask?  Of that "stuff".  Yes, mary-joo-wanna.  I didn't really want to, but I did after much cajoling.  Curiosity?  I guess so.  I had smoked a cigar for the first time ever last year and I must say that I liked it.  Not enough to take up the habit, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was gonna be.

Tonight's vice had a strawberry-ish smell to it.  I think it did.  It def didn't smell like the skunky stuff I had smelled before on others.  It tasted OK.  (Do smokers talk about the taste?)  I dunno anything about this stuff, but I can say that I can now cross this off the list of things I have never done in my life.  And I really don't find it appealing at all.  So you puff and then what?  I guess I thought I was going to feel like I was floating on air, or maybe have a sudden rush of creativity and start finger painting portraits out of toothpaste or something since it's supposed to open your third eye and such... OR maybe burst into an unending, pseudo-intellectual, too deep to understand babble on existentialism... and the real truth behind aliens.

I dunno.  I was unimpressed and left in an unaltered state.   Didn't have the infamous munchies, either.  And this was supposed to be a "good batch".  Hmm... maybe my mind is just too strong for the stuff.  LOL  Whatever.

It's Finally OVA... The Saga Does NOT Continue!

Ok, so we all know here that my relationship has been over for a while now. At least in my heart and my mind... Well, found out recently that he has been cheating on me! Yes, you can now add this to the list of crap that I have had to endure with this dude. I text one of my girlfriends when I found out, but have yet to call her and fill her in on the details. Not trying to torture her, but just didn't feel like talking about it. Not depressed or sad, it's just that the whole thing is soooooo stupid. I'm surprised I'm even blogging this... but... I dunno. She's probably reading this (Hey, friend! LOL). Hmm, I guess I'm killing two birds with one rock then.

Anywho, we were already broken up really. So you ask why it would bother me if I didn't want to be with him anymore and we weren't together anyway? Because at the time he cheated we WERE together and it just shocked me that all this time he was lying about where he was and who he was with. He was with this chick several times, therefore, this took planning... conversations... collusion. He used to work with this chick. He knew better! Of course he did. He tiptoed behind my back and all the while acted like everything was cool. And I only found out because he was having a mental breakdown (his annual near-birthday ritual) blabbering on about how he isn't a good person and his life isn't this and that and blah, blah, blah. I fell into my usual role of comforter and said, "Yes, you are a good person." He immediately shook his head and said, "No, I'm not." Ok, this gave me pause. My female Spidey sense kicked in and I asked him what he meant. He blabbered on about something and then I just asked him. I asked him whether he had EVER cheated on me. Well, you would have thought and I had pressed an invisible pause button on his back because he didn't move or say a word for what seemed like FOREVER. Now I got louder: HAVEYOUEVERCHEATEDONME?! I promise you he still didn't move. I just couldn't believe it. So then I started asking WHO and WHEN and HOW MANY TIMES?!! You know, the usual "i-just-found-out-my-man-cheated-so-now-i-need-all-the-details" questions. Well, technically I wasn't his GF, but you know what I mean. He obliged me grudgingly, giving me sparse details, but I pushed and pushed. Finally, I just twisted my face up and shook my head. I calmly let him know what I thought of him: that he was common. And that there was nothing special about him. Aaaand I said a couple of other cute things, too.

I am moving back up north in a few weeks. I have been busy trying to square away plans and tie up loose ends before leaving. I'm excited to finally get out of this gilded cage I've been trapped in.

I know I should list some more details, but I guess I'm just not angry enough to continue this entry. I mean, I am still disgusted at the total disregard for my feelings, the lies, the deceit, the fact that I had to pull it out of him instead of being told outright... but then again he's common. In other words, he just did what naturally comes to a lot of people. Selfish people. Selfish men.

He's been apologizing profusely ever since that night. I told him that I've already forgiven him (and forgotten him). He says he sees us married. Oh, really? To each other? Hmm... I don't.

Ok, I'm ending this. He's not worth another lette...