Heartbroken

My heart is very, very heavy right now. They say that death comes in threes. Well, of course, it comes in a higher multiple than that, but death that affects you... that's in some type of relation to you - even if it's just a celebrity - comes in threes. This week/weekend has certainly given this more credence.

Last week, an old childhood friend of mine updated her status on a social networking board I'm a member of and said that she was sad to hear about a passing of dear friend. I "commented" on her status and gave my condolences. Turns out that the dear friend was a mutual one; we both grew up on the same block and one of our neighborhood buddies had a son die after an asthma attack. This threw me for a loop and I told her to forward my prayers to her and her family.

I checked my email on Sunday and saw that an associate of mine had sent me a message. I opened it and saw that it had been sent to a whole slew of people. In her message, she apologized for the mass email and then stated that her husband had been tragically killed on Friday. More details to come later. That was it. I, again, was floored. The breath was taken out of me... I have never met the man, but have seen pictures of her, her husband and (at the time) two kids - boys. After hoping and praying for one, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last month to make the fam complete. And now he's gone? Just like that? How did he die? I cannot imagine her heartbreak...

And now today my sister calls me with suspicions that another good friend has passed... but she wasn't sure because of a cryptic message that a girl left on her social networking page. An hour or so later, my BF calls me and confirms the news; our friend had died from this past Friday. WHAT??!! This young lady had been fighting the awful effects of diabetes for awhile; she lost most of her sight and was on dialysis, but she was usually in good spirits and even adopted a little girl after losing her own through miscarriage. Her ex-husband, my sister says, had promised her his kidney. I have no idea what happened with this, but her health had started to decline so much so that she was forced to use a wheelchair. This made her more susceptible to blood clots which they tried to dilute which led to open heart surgery which led to an infection that she couldn't fight off and she passed. I am so beside myself... I hope she wasn't alone when she passed or in pain (I torture myself with thoughts like this).

Death has a way of putting life into perspective. I already have forgiven a lot of people of A LOT of crap and I already have a "live life while you're alive" attitude, but I feel unsettled. Death is encroaching on my living space. I know it's coming, and very well could have come for me this weekend, last week, last month... but it's still surreal, a pseudo reality until it rears up and settles in around you.

I am heartbroken.

Hey, Good Lookin'

Someone whistled at me today. I was unlocking my car door and there it was, loud and clear. I turned around and didn't see anyone except a guy way across the street at a gas station. Could he really see me from that far? I guess so. I wasn't wearing anything special... just jeans and a T-shirt. But I had just washed my hair so it was out, full and flowing.

Two days ago, in the grocery checkout line, I caught the bag boy taking the term literally. We locked eyes as I was pulling out my card to pay. There was no intent behind my casual gaze, but he locked with my eyes and didn't let go. It seemed like a good two minutes. It seemed so long that I felt compelled to speak. I just said "hello". He greeted me back, smiled and finally looked down at his task. I had to smile as well. He was cute - cute face, small, neat afro... but young. I was flattered, though.

I think I'm on a roll.

Recession Proof

What is wrong with me? Seriously, what? My girlfriend and I just got laid off today (along with seven others) and I am thrilled! Excited! Relieved... While the world is breaking down and falling apart financially, I am standing tall and rejoicing in my newly garnered freedom. While the local and national news bemoan the economy and sow seeds of hysteria, I am oddly at peace and excited about the future. I absolutely HATED my job and didn't want to waste another minute in it. And now I won't.

It's so funny how things work out. I had been praying a while for God to get me out of my "situation". I always prefaced my entreaties with thanksgiving and gratitude, but had grown increasingly tired of the monotony of the job and expressed that to Him. I wanted Him to take me to a place where I could be truly happy or at least provide with me the opportunity to get to that place. I no longer wanted to be "living for the weekend". I wanted every day to be like a weekend where I could spend time doing what I love and loving what I did. Otherwise, what's the point? I mean, really... Is that all there is to life? God said that He wants us to live life abundantly. That means in overflow!! Not just enough but more than enough!

So my girlfriend and I immediately gathered our things after being dismissed from our positions and went to Barnes and Noble to have coffee, honey. We laughed and joked and questioned out loud, "Are we crazy?" She had grown tired of the job, too, and wanted to be home to spend more time with her 10mos. old son.

At twelve o'clock, we met and had lunch with our other girlfriend who was shocked by our demeanor after being told what had transpired earlier. The three of us whooped it up and had the best lunch ever at the Cheesecake Factory!

So what's wrong with me? How can I rejoice after having been laid off during this terrible economic downturn? I am now officially unemployed, but how come I don't feel like a casualty?

I rejoice because I know who I am
I rejoice because I know who I serve
I rejoice because I know that all things work together for the good for them that love the Lord

I rejoice because I am no longer chained to a job...

What in the world is wrong with me? We're in a recession, for goodness sake!

Shake What Your Momma...

I have decided to go braless from now on. Unless I am going out and my outfit does not allow it, I will NOT wear a bra. I have decided this since I noticed that my wire bra has been leaving marks around the sides of my breasts. Not cool.

I felt like a renegade last night when I went out to the movies, hangin' and swangin'. Mind you, I did have a jacket on, so no one was really privy to my uncontained melons. And there's freedom in that alone. But there I was - unbridled, unholstered and uncaring. FREEDOM!!