Time Away...

I've been dealing with some things over the last two weeks.  Kinda heavy stuff (to me, at least).  I've been processing through some info and trying to figure out a lot of things.  During this process, I've pulled away from my fam and friends so I can focus.  Really focus.  I'll be back in the swing soon because everything will become crystal clear to me shortly.  I've been praying for clarity and lots of answers.  The answers are coming...

And So It Begins...

You know, they say that you'll know who your real friends are when you go through something; real friends will be the last ones standing and support you through it all.  But I would also go so far as to say that you'll know who your real girl friends are once you've become engaged... and they're not.

I had a call out of the blue from the ex-friend I mentioned in a previous post.  I had originally decided not to answer any calls from her from here on out, but had failed to recognize her phone number and answered accidentally.  She had seen my updated status on a social network and wished me congrats.  Hmm...  She hurriedly asked how, when it happened.  I didn't have enough daytime minutes to explain it all so I told her I would call her later that night.  And I did.  She didn't pick up.  I left a message.  She hasn't called back. 

Now this other so called "friend" has known about my history with my now fiance (fiance?  wow...) so she seemed happy when I text to her "Wanna be in a wedding?"  She immediately called me back and we started hee-heeing and ha-ha-ing about the proposal and upcoming wedding which I told her would be in October of next year.  Well, maybe a day after I told her she called me and told me that she and her BF were gonna get married and would I be upset about them thinking of October, too.  Huh?  Before I could utter a word, she pretty much answered the question herself by saying she would try and move it to another month because she didn't wanna step on my toes.  I asked whether she was engaged and she said not officially (WTHeck) but they were talking about it.  OK...  Next day, she sends me pics of an engagement ring they saw and she wanted.  I asked when he was gonna get it for her.  She said that SHE was gonna buy the rings.  HUH?  Soon after, she sent a pic of the dress she wanted and was gonna have a woman she found on eBay that lives in CHINA to make it for her!  Then she sent me prices and pics of a venue she wants me to check out with her when I come back to town.  All the while, I obliged her and gave compliments because I figured this had nothing to do with me and everything with her just being excited about her own prospects - imaginary or not.  But then she sent a text about them having a destination wedding in Jamaica.  When I asked when, she said OCTOBER!  What happened to not stepping on anyone's toes?  Heck, what happened to just being someone's true friend and not even considering the same month?  

(sigh) And so it begins...  As my wedding list gets shorter, I realize that life changing events, both good and bad, can reveal who is really "ride or die". 

Rules of Engagement

Where should I begin?  Hmm...  Well, I keep looking down at my hand and wondering how it all happened really.  And it's taken me a full week to fully absorb it all and now I think I'm ready to spill the beans.  It's funny how all this happened after my last entry where I stated that I was no longer going to chase "butterflies".

Yeah, well, remember when I told you about the boyfriend - I mean, ex-BF?  How he cheated and we finally broke up?  Well, we broke and I left for Philly.  And he lost his mind...  No, I mean it.  He literally called me every day when I left.  OK, cool.  Expected that (kinda).  No biggie.  But then came the crying and the pleading.  And then the visit.  Yes, he visited me and took me out and bought me things... He promised change in his attitude, demeanor and his over all self and the way he interacted with me.  I shrugged it off, but - crazy enough - he started to deliver.  He started going to church religiously and sent me a barrage of love notes via emails and phone calls. 

And when I arrived in Atlanta for a visit during my birthday week, he really lathered it on.  Not only did he greet me with a dozen pink roses, but he was about 70lbs lighter and looked like the day we first met (sans the shoulder-length dreds)!  Okay, he's really working it.  And then MORE gifts came: two treats from Tiffany's, a pair of silver hoop earrings and finally... with one hand holding a video camera and the other one shakily revealing the final gift stuffed into his jeans pocket... unsteadily he knelt down on one knee and presented a diamond ring.  Yes, he finally put his money where his mouth was.  And I was speechless.

So how do I feel?  How did I feel?   Well, my emotions ran the gamut from fear to disappointment to excitement to gut wrenching nausea.

I have no idea what I'm doing.  Not a clue.  But I said 'yes'.  Yes to rolling the dice and throwing out my Hollywood induced, preconceived notions of what romance is and what a "knight in shining armor" should look, feel, sound like and ride in on.  I'm scared, but happy.  Excited, even.  I'm ready to take a chance on the future...

The Butterfly Effect

I've been doing some thinking... Well, a little more than some.  And I've pretty much come to the conclusion that I will never be able to recapture that "in love" feeling that I've had only once before.  Now don't read me wrong - this is not a "woe is me" moment.  I simply realized that I've been in love once and that it may never happen again.

For the longest time I've been searching for that feeling, those butterflies that I felt when I was with who I thought was "the one".  I miss being in love.  It's such a high.   But that euphoria may not happen again with anyone else.  Why?  Am I being too picky?  Honestly, no.  I'm pretty un-picky compared to most.  Am I open to love?  Absolutely.  And very ready.  I've known only one other person in my life that has been "in love" with just about every person they've been in a relationship with.  (And it was a guy!)  But most are just not that easy, including me.  I'm more discerning.  More deliberate with mine.

And so I choose not to continue to chase this butterfly effect that has eluded me thus far.  Am I settling?  Compromising?  Maybe the former...  But what's the alternative?  Spending the next ten years fiending for my next hit of love's euphoria - the most expensive and time consuming drug on the planet?  I think not.  What if it never comes?  Man, it's time for me to exhale already.

Computer Love

(sigh) Ok, how come I keep hesitating on this?  I've gone to two of the major sites, but have yet to sign up.  I don't know why exactly.  I mean, I am a single woman now and time is of the essence.  So many have been successful in finding a BF, let alone HUSBAND, on the internet... so why can't I finally take the plunge?

I don't think it's the money, even though I would hate to sign up for a site and meet nothing but losers.  Or jerks.  Or ego maniacs.

I think part of it is that you really have to put yourself OUT there, you know?  Your pic, your likes/dislikes, city/state and other personal stats.  I guess I shouldn't be so guarded.  Also, since I am pursuing the whole "creative arts" thang, I secretly feel that I have nothing to really offer anyone right now.  What am I coming to the table with other than great conversation, a lust for sports and a readily available sympathetic ear?

Well, I have to do something because I surely haven't met anyone OFFLINE (no one of even slight interest to me) yet.

Ok, I'm just gonna do it.  Soon.

I think...

Forever Young...

I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror while helping my niece try on some clothes and I must say that I was disheartened by what I saw.  I recognized my main features, but, at the same time, didn't really recognize myself.  I always see myself (and think of myself) as young, vibrant, forever frozen in time.  But the image reflected back reminded me that we are all getting older.

I should tell you that I am in my thirties, I am in pretty good shape and I really do have a great attitude towards life: I do not take it so seriously that I cannot laugh at myself when deemed appropriate.  But let's face it - NO ONE wants to age.  I looked at myself once then tried to avoid my visage for the rest of the time in the cramped dressing room.

Why does my face look like that?  I don't remember that being there...  Did that always droop like that?

Then I mentally slapped myself.  'You really need to get over yourself,'  I scolded.

Prayerfully, I will continue to get older (look at the alternative!)... but gracefully.  And if I really claim to love myself the way that I do, I have to love myself unconditionally.  Changes are sure to come... more changes, that is.  But I have to be alright with myself no matter what.

Besides, I think I'll always see myself as the young girl I think I am.  I believe I can still "pass".  I'm still the youngin' who still dreams with fervor, only now I have the maturity to realize the tools needed in order to successfully attain them.

It's written all over my face.

Straight, No Chaser

I just had a wonderfully insightful - albeit short - conversation with a good friend of mine.  He so aptly put things in perspective for me that we didn't need to have a long, drawn out discussion.  Men are so pragmatic.  One of the reasons why I love them...

I was puzzled by the actions of another friend of mine, a female, and ran the scenario down to him.  The whole thing in a nutshell is that an old friend, with whom I've recently reconnected after she unceremoniously "dumped" me as a friend while in high school, has suddenly stopped returning my calls.  I gave him the run down of how she was upset that I had been back in Philly for two weeks, but hadn't called her right away because I was taking care of some things.  OK, we still got together later at her new house and everything seemed fine.  She gave me a tour and I complimented her accomplishments.  She expressed her disappointment in me not going to the HS reunion (I never told her I was def going, but she doesn't remember it that way).  We talked more.  She took a phone call.  I thought it rude of her to do so, but whatever.  She went upstairs, leaving me by myself in the kitchen, and returned when she was done.  I left soon after and we promised she would call after the reunion (if she went).  No call.  I called her and left a VM.  No call back.  I called again the next day about something entirely different.  Still no call back.  It's now been a week and a half.

My male friend listened patiently and without hesitation said, "You guys were never friends."  He proceeded to explain that if she felt comfortable taking a call while leaving you alone and if you felt uncomfortable sitting by yourself in her house (thinking it was rude) then you guys aren't friends and were never really friends because friends don't go through stuff like that.  His one caveat - this was obviously a male perspective.  But I thought it was valid and on point, nonetheless. 

So simply put.  So direct and plain.  And I totally got it.  I get it.  I got a little teary eyed as I explained to him that I feel that I am too forgiving.  He listened and assured me that I was fine.

Every woman needs a good male friend.  For the most part, they are straight shooters and don't get tied up in the rigmarole or drama.  It is what it is with them.  And that's all.