I'm Just Not That Into You

(inhale)

He's boring, falls asleep ever so easily, can never hear what I'm sayin' the first time around, doesn't really listen when he can hear me, likes to stay in on the weekends, doesn't understand the appeal of restaurants, soft during the times he should be hard, is passive when he should be aggressive, whines like a little kid when he doesn't get what he wants, acts jealous when I'm out with friends, never admits that he's jealous when he obviously is, has a negative spin on just about everything, is lactose intolerant but is in total denial (oh, the horror!), consistently washes colors with whites "by accident" (the darker, the better), drives me absolutely nuts and loves me with all of his heart.

(exhale)

I'm just not that into him anymore.

Kinda Sick...

I feel kinda sick. Wait a minute... I shouldn't claim sickness over me. I'm NOT sick. But I will say that I don't feel 100%. It's just the sniffles, but also my one nostril is kinda stuffed and I find myself trying to cover the other nostril to regulate the amount of air I'm breathing since breathing too much oxygen through one nostril is very uncomfortable.

(sigh) I hate being not well. I do my best to avoid situations such as this. Whenever someone coughs around me, I either leave the area immediately or tuck my lips in and stop breathing until I think the coast is clear of their disgusting germs. My thought is that free falling germs that have been expelled either via sneeze or cough can land on your face, including your lips. And I lick my lips a lot, therefore, leaving me susceptible to such dangerous bacterium. I don't wanna ingest nor breathe these suckers in so I wait - breathless with no evidence of lips and wait. How long, you ask? It depends. If it was a nasty sneeze then I hold, tuck and quickly walk away. If it's a dry cough (as if something was in the assailant's throat) then I tuck and hold for maybe a minute or so. If it's quite obvious that the offender has some type of cold or worse, I tuck, hold for about a minute or two and then blow out of my mouth to try and counteract and force any left over germs that are still trying to find a home somewhere.

Hey, it works!! I haven't been sick in ages and in the meantime, I have built up quite a resistance to the common cold and other such ailments. And whenever I have gotten sick, it's usually just the sniffles. But I'm not sick. I'm not. I just gotta re-strategize and tighten up my defenses... Hmm, maybe hold then tuck for 3 minutes?

There Are No Coincidences

I think I'm gonna be sick. I can't tell you how uneasy I feel right now. All I know is that I can't explain any of this... and I don't believe in coincidences. Even at my best, I couldn't manipulate things to turn out this way.

I was on one of the social networking boards, just minding my business... OK, I was snooping around, looking at people's pictures. After a couple of clicks of profiles and pictures, I stumbled upon a friend of a friend who was friends with my crush. Well, they had pictures and in some of the pictures, there he was - preening for the camera. There was a link that connected to his own personal pics so, of course, I clicked it. Needless to say, he loves the camera; he had A LOT of photos. There were a group of photos with him chillin' outside, him with his arm around some chick and some of him in a club. The latter of these caught my eye. I looked and there was the sweater!!! He was wearing the very same sweater that I had picked out and bought my BF for Christmas!!! Same color, same everything!!! I couldn't believe it. Now, you may be thinking, "So what? That's why they mass produce... There are probably a lot of people that have the same sweater you bought your BF." But, no. This is just another "coincidence" (which I don't believe in) in a long line of unexplained occurences.

He has another friend on this social network board that I'm friends with and she has about 350 friends in total. Well, there's an app (application) that can take all of your friends profile photos and put them in a grid. She has it and when I clicked on it to see where I landed on the grid, guess who is right underneath me? YES, him! His pic is DIRECTLY below mine. A coincidence? Out of 300 and some odd people and we're right next to each other? No, I don't think so. Oh, and by the way, the grid is totally random. It does not go by alphabetical order or age or anything else. Besides, my initials are on the opposite end of the alphabet from his.

There are other things, but I'll elaborate later. What does this all mean? I dare not answer. But all of this DOES mean something. Man, I feel like Al Pacino right now: everytime I try to get out, I get pulled back in!!! I'm not trying to obssess over him, but everytime I try to go on without thinking about him, something somewhere reminds me of him... connects me to him.

I need to come up with a name for him...

Crush Groove

I can't stop thinking about him. I've tried to, but I just can't seem to do it. It's been a very long time since I've been in this type of predicament. For a stretch of time, I was very successful - at not thinking about him, that is. I would go weeks, months without one intrusive notion of him. But then I turn on the TV and happen to stumble upon a news station with a reporter that closely resembles him. And the flood gates open again. I was doing so well, but instantly my mind shifts backwards and starts to wander... what's he doing at this very moment? Could he possibly be thinking about me, too? On paper, the attraction really doesn't make sense. But I'll explain that later...

He has no idea that I feel this way about him... at least I don't think he does. And I don't plan on telling him. Not yet. Man - I love the sound of his voice, the way he makes me laugh (which is just about all the time) and I love the way I feel when I'm around him. I feel giddy, like I can't get my words together.

It wouldn't be so bad if only I weren't involved with someone else. Yes, I technically have a BF right now. We've been together for years now, but I'm not really feeling the relationship anymore. But I'll explain that later as well...

I just had to get this off my proverbial chest. Because I really can't tell anyone else the particulars, I have to jot down my thoughts and feelings about this man. He really has no idea how he occupies my head space constantly. I don't think he would be able to handle that information, that power right now. So for now I'll be quiet. Crazy thing - both he and my BF have the same hands; the same half-moon fingernails and same shaped fingers...