Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Celibate And the City

Okay, I had to address this because of something I just watched on YT (YouTube).  I watched a video thinking that the vlogger would have a definitive point of view on this, but he did not and his answer was just ridiculous to me, but sadly very common.

A woman emailed him asking when was a good time to tell someone you're dating or about to date that you are celibate and whether he would ever date a woman who was celibate.  He proceeded to answer the first part of the question by saying that there would be nothing wrong with telling a man when you first talk or meet up with him and that it would be better to get this out of the way as soon as possible.  He then used an example of if a woman had a rule of not kissing on the first date, he would hope she would tell him before they sit down at a restaurant and she orders a lobster dinner.  Huh?!  His explanation was that if he were doing everything right on the date and treated her right and all that jazz that he would hope she would rethink her "no kissing" rule and would find him desirable enough to break it.  As if to say he put in the work so why not reap the reward?  My words, not his.  Anywho, he then answered the second part of the question, saying that he would date a woman who was celibate and that he would respect her for that.  But thennnn, he quickly contradicted himself by saying that her self-imposed celibacy was probably because she was single and was tired of casual sex and since they would now be dating then she should want to, again, rethink that rule because it would no longer apply since dating someone exclusively does not equate to casual sex.  Oh!  Oh!  Hold on... and then the kicker was that he reiterated that he would date her but with the hopes that she would come around and basically "hit him off" (my words).   Huh?!  Excuse me?!

First of all, how are you going to assume that she is celibate because she no longer wants to be promiscuous?  That's what the whole "casual sex" comment implies to me.  Maybe she's celibate because she was hurt in her last relationship and decided that she slept with him too soon?  Maybe she knows herself so well that a sexual relationship outside of marriage would leave her too vulnerable emotionally and cause more hurt if the relationship didn't work out?  Or maybe she finally gave her life to Christ, got saved and decided to do it God's way and save it for her husband, someone who at least put up some money on a ring and promised before God and fam to be there and cherish her forever?  Heck, maybe her va-jay-jay is broke and needs time to heal?  Who knows?  My point is that if she thought it was important enough to at least tell you on the front end so you would know what to expect (or not expect) then dating her with the expectations of her soon changing her mind is NOT respecting her decision at all.  You are totally minimizing it as a minor speed bump, a challenge for you to take on.  In fact, he did use that word "challenge".  And who knowingly accepts a challenge thinking you're going to lose?

And he didn't even answer the question!  He was basically saying "yes, but not really".  Huh?!  Pick an answer, man!  Here, let me answer the question for you: no, you would not knowingly date a woman with the hopes of having a RELATIONSHIP with her if she were celibate.  And that's fine!  That's your prerogative.  But be clear, man!  Don't try and hide behind niceties and feigned chivalry when at the end of the day you want what just about every red-blooded man with a set of franks and beans wants - SEX!  If she's being honest with you then you should be a real man and be honest with her and tell her that your timeline is different than hers.  Waiting with the expectation of an end is simply tolerating and what grown person wants to be tolerated?  Heck, she didn't even offer waiting as an option, she is saying straight up, "NO, I'M NOT HAVING SEX WITH YOU OR ANY OTHER DING-A-LING RIGHT NOW.  THANK YOU!"

Oh, my God!  I'm sorry, but this got my panties in a bunch for real!  What is wrong with people?  I mean, I know women can get gully with theirs and there are a lot of women who are very sexual, but I have to speak on men right now because they're the ones I date and I have yet to come across a man who has declared that he's saving himself for marriage.  Never.  I know they may exist, but I've NEVER encountered one.  So with that being said, why can't men respect the C-word?  Is it that they take it personally and translate it to the woman saying he's not worthy enough to enter and so he must "accept the challenge" and prove her wrong, that he's worthy enough to claim the prize?  With an attitude like that, he's already proven he's not worthy.  Man, please!  Have a seat!

In fact, let me go cool off and have a seat myself.  The very nerve... 


  1. Wow, such a good post. Well, I was celibate for a while, and it was because I hadn't found anyone worthy of my time, energy and body. HOWEVER - I would not have disclosed anything about my sexuality or lack thereof on the first date anyway- I don't care if it was lobster or anything else. If you want to take me out - that's what we're doing, going out. Sometimes men are so selfish. Ugh. But the right one, is always willing to wait until you're ready. At least that's what I tell my daughter....

    1. I totally agree; I wouldn't make any disclosures on the first date either. Let's go out and eat, yadda, yadda, yadda and then if you MAKE it to another date and there's a hint of interest there then perhaps. And your advice to your daughter is also on point: the right one will wait and will definitely be worth waiting for!