Friday, July 6, 2012

Lactose Intolerant!

Okay, I was in the grocery store the other day and I felt pretty darn good about myself.  My hair was laying just right and I had on a cute pair of shorts and a matching top.  Nothing special, but I just felt good, you know?  If I could whistle, I would have been whistling up and down the aisles.  Well, I moseyed on down the frozen food section and saw something I wanted to take a closer look at.  So I opened to door and bent over to check it out and noticed a man looking at me.  Now I wasn't purposely bending over for his benefit, however, from his angle he had a full view of my rear and everything it entailed.  I thought nothing of it and continued my shopping... but I must admit that I was flattered and tickled that he happened to look my way RIGHT when I absentmindedly stuck my butt in the air.

Anywho, when I got home, still high off the look I got in the store and my over all feeling of "cuteness", I stopped in front of the full-length mirror in the dining room and re-played the events that occurred in the store: I playfully smiled, put my hands on my hips and sashayed around like a little schoolgirl.  Then I bent over at the waist, my back/butt to the mirror and looked over my shoulder... and gasped in horror.  All I saw was lumps and bumps all up and down the back of my legs!  There was no sexy cuteness to flirt and flaunt... just COTTAGE CHEESE for all to behold!!  I quickly stood back up, bewildered and deflated.  THIS is what the man in the store saw, cottage cheese thighs?  This is what I was shoving into his eye space, insulting his view of the frozen vegetables with a sight that would curdle anyone's stomach?  Heck, isn't that what cottage cheese is, some form of curdled dairy?  Something that once used to taste good and be used to build strong bones, but now just looks like a spoiled separated mess?  A mess that most try to dress up nice with fresh fruit to convince themselves that it's not as bad as it looks... but it really is?  UGH!!!  I have cottage cheese thighs and I shoved them into an innocent man's face!  And I can't take that moment back.  Ever!  That's how he'll remember me: "the chick who kinda looked cute until she turned around and oh, boy!  Spoiled milk!"

I'm done!  This is what I've become?! I still shudder when I think about it...  I'm doing leg lifts as we speak!  Squats, here I come... but my first impression has been blown.  Kapooey.  Kaput!  I'll never look at the frozen food aisle the same way again.  NEVER!  Time to reinvent myself STAT!

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